Flarestar

[spottedclaw2]

Title:The Flare
Rating:Pg
Pairings:None
Chapters:A lot.
Summary:(sorry if I steal any names)There are four clans,Emberclan,Nightclan,Iceclan,Streamclan.Skystar,the leader of Emberclan,did war daily.His deputy,Silverflame,died.Now his only living kit,Flareheart,is now deputy.He lost his final life in battle with Iceclan and now she is leader.Will Flarestar be war-hungry like her father or rebuild the clan?
Warning:There is violence scattered through-out the story.
Disclamer:I don`t own Warriors.If I did,Firestar would be Spottedstar.
Note:All ? will be filled as the story grows!
Chapter 1
Flareheart starred in horror as Eaglefeather,Iceclan`s deputy,clawed her father`s neck.His screech silenced and stunned the battling cats.Flareheart,blinded by rage,chared at the large deputy.She jumped onto his back and killed him like a mouse.Silverstar,the leader of Iceclan yowled and his warriors limped away.Emberclan won the Frozen stream.They went back to the Emberclan camp.The only ones that didn`t battle was Mossleaf,the medicine cat,Hailfur,the queen,and her kits,and Fawnfoot,the only elder.Flareheart jumped up to Heat peak."Cats of my clan,Skystar is dead."she mewed sadly.


Allegiances
Emberclan
Leader:Flarestar-Orage she cat with ember colored eyes.
Deputy:Icehawk-Brown tom with lighter brown markings and green eyes
Warriors:Lionfoot-Golden tom with amber eyes
Hollyfrost-Jet black shecat with ember colored eyes
Snowclaw-White shecat with amber eyes,Icestar`s sister
Runningstep-Orange tom with white spots
Spottedclaw-Orange shecat with black spots including on her claws
Sandstripe-Black tom with sand-colored stripes.Aprentice-Falconpaw
Tigerpelt-Brown tabby shecat with amber eyes.Aprentice-Eaglepaw
Sharpwisker-Lager orange tom with blue eyes
Wolffur-Large tom that looks like a wolf,has green eyes
Foxfur-Lage shecat that looks like a fox,has green eyes,sister to Wolffur
Mudfur-Brown tom with a torn ear with amber eyes
Medicine cat
Mossleaf-Tabby shecat with ember eyes
Aprentices
Falconpaw-White shecat with a brown head and brown eyes
Eaglepaw-Brown shecat with a white head and brown eyes
Elders
Fawnfoot-Light brown tabby shecat,has blue eyes
Queens
Hailfur-Blue/white shecat with lighter colored spots and Deep blue eyes,has four kits.
Kits
Spottedkit-Black tom with white spots and golden eyes
Flarekit-Orange colored tom with golden eyes
Thunderkit-yellow colored tom with golden eyes
Onekit-Small black tom with one silver paw,has golden eyes
Nightclan
Leader:Nightstar-Pure black tom with unusual color of eyes,purple
Deputy:Clawfoot-Battle scarred tom that is brown with white spots,has ice blue eyes
Medicine cat-Silverspots-Dark white tom with silver spots and silver eyes.Aprentice:Darkpaw
Warriors:?
Aprentices:Darkpaw-Smoky gray tom with purple eyes
Iceclan
Leader:Silverstar-Silver colored tom with a torn ear and yellow eyes
Deputy:?
Warriors?
Aprentices:?
Streamstar:Leapordstar-Yellow shecat with white spots.Aprentice-Cinderpaw
Deputy:Tigerstripe-Orange shecat with yellow stripes.Aptrentice-Longpaw
Warriors:?
Aprentices:Cinderpaw-Cinder colored shecat with blue eyes
Longpaw-Gray tom with orange eyes.
NOTE:
The ? will be filled in with time!
Chapter 2
"It`s about time that recklessmouse-brain died."Sandstripe hissed from the crowd of cats."It is true Skystar was reckless but we should still honor him in seeing the weaknesses of the other clans."Flareheart tried to convince the cats under her."Now I will be leader.I will leave at moon up.Meeting dismissed."She flicked her tail and jumped down to the medicine cat`s den.She pushed her way into the cat`s den.Mossleaf turned from her herbs and padded up the Flareheart."Welcome.I guess you want some travling leaf?"Mossleaf mewed proudly.She continued,"All I need to do is to get it from the back..."She walked over to a red rock thet wa carved out.She picked up a leaf that was white."Here you go.It wouldn`t hurt to leave early."She mumbled."Yes.Thank you.Flareheart mewed after gulping down the leaf."I will see you at Sun up.Good bye."Flareheart dashed out and darted around the rocks to Moonhill.
Chapter 3
Flareheart dashed though the feild leading to a small hill.She reached the hill and paused.Her clan was the closest to Moonhill so she was here before Moonhigh.The sun was almost ready to go down as she heard pawsteps in the tall grass.She glaced around and a very farmiliar scent stung her nose.It was Iceclan`s leader,Silverstar.Flareheart hissed.Silverstar`s neck fur rose.He mewed quietly,"What are you doing here,Emberclan cat?"Flareheart hissed back at him,"I`m the deputy of a fallen leader.I `m soon going to be Flarestar."She looked over to where the moon would rise.It was as thin as a claw."I need to go."She mewed and went into the mouth of the hill.
Chapter 5
Flareheart climbed through the large tunnel.The she-cat found her way to a puddle.The moon hit it but the glow was not there.The was a chill sent through the cat`s body as she laped the water.She appered at a rocky openng.eight cats circled her.The first to step was Goldenstep,a golden she-cat with deep blue eyes and white paws.She was the mother of Flareheart."My kit,I wish you well as you become leader.Are you ready to recive you nine lives?"she asked."Yes."Flareheart mewed."Fine.Your first life will be given to you by me.With this life I give you Protection.To protect the lives of your clan and all cats whose pawsteps will be watched by you."The cat rested her muzzle on top of Flareheart and sent pain through out the body of her kit.Goldenstep returned to her place.The second was a small orange tom that looked like Flareheart."My sister,I give you compassion.THe be able to see all the strenghts of young cats and to advice and help them."The same thing happened."Orangefeather,I did bot know you woud be here."She mewed."Do you think I would be here?Or my friends?"A deep growl came from the darkness...
(Not posting any more untill I get comments.2-5 at least.)

[spottedclaw2]

Opps,Chapter 5 was suppose to be Chapter 4

[Lightningstar]

Plot: 6/10
The plot is very confusing, I'm not sure what's supposed to be going on.

Readability: 7/10
There were quite a few mistakes, the chapters are squished together, and chapter one is before the alligiances.

Characters: 8/10
Original characters.

Description: 7/10
Description was not the highlight of this story. I could not sense much character feeling or surroundings.

Originality: 9/10
As original as anything I've seen.

Overall: 74%
The story is really rushed, especially in the first chapter. It really is hard to read at times. But take my critiuqe and turn this story into a masterpiece! It's a really good plot; it just needs some revising.

[spottedclaw2]

Thanks!I know it was rush,just when I read it through,Iget a picture.I could imangine the area.Chapter 1 was suppose to be the prolouge.Sorry for the confusion.I also put this in the wrong spot.

[Snowstep]

like i said before, please read all the rules and such! there are info u need to know, cause i can't accept this. =S btw there's a form for posting, so you'd better get that too.

~Kat

[Autumnstorm]

Plot: 7/10
The plot goes pretty fast, and it can be quite hard to keep up with it.

Readability: 6/10
Er, yeah, chapter one is before the allegiances, and you don't put spaces between your comas and words. It is really squished, and hard to follow. I also saw a few spelling mistakes and such.

Characters: 8/10
The characters are interesting enough, but not very developed yet.

Description: 6/10
There wasn't very much description, not for characters or backgrounds.

Originality: 9/10
Not bad. It sounds a little like the books, but it isn't extreme.

Overall: 72%
Keep working on it! The chapters can't really be counted as chapters, seeing that they are only a paragraph or two long, and it was hard to read, but it wasn't uninteresting. Just add some more description: let us feel the world around us, not just see it. Keep improving it!

[spottedclaw2]

Thank you all!

[Lightningstar]

Every good author has room for improvement. ;D