[X] Name Call

[mysteryfaith]

Title: Name Call
Scenes: Hmm... probably somewhere between 5-20.
Author: Mysteryfaith (aka Myst or Mystery)
Pairings: You'll have to find out! =D
Rating: PG-13 (Contains these words: gay, strip, hell, sexy.)
Spoilers: Nothing past the first series. Makes sure you've read The Darkest Hour, though!
Summary: Firebum discovers the magical all-knowing Narrator guy. Gaystrip tells everyone about Harry Potter and how he discovered he was a woman wizard. And you're about to discover just how mad Mysteryfaith really is.
Muse: Mad as Rabbits by PANIC! at the Disco.
Cover: None.

Happy reading! Look for the cast list to see what the characters really are. And remember - no kiddywinkles are to read this script! It contains some naughty words [see Rating panel above.] xP

Cast

Firebum = Fireheart
Gaystrip = Graystripe
Sandlolface = Sandstorm
Cinderglomp = Cinderpelt
Whitethingwithears = Whitestorm
Bluecar = Bluestar
Silverpoop = Silverstream
DustOMG = Dustpelt
Darkstrip = Darkstripe
Cloudprettylady = Cloudpaw
Yellowmouldyandpossiblyrotten = Yellowfang
Brightnoob = Brightpaw
Fernplop = Fernpaw
Longlisp = Longtail
Brackenwhiff = Brackenfur
Narrator = Narrator [formerly Hot Dog Guy]
OTHER CHARACTERS ARE NOT FEATURED IN THE WARRIORS BOOKS, AND THEREFORE ARE NOT AWESOME ENOUGH TO BE PUT IN THE CAST. MWUHAHAHA.

Scene One: ThunderClan Camp

Narrator: Gaystrip and Firebum are talking about who they're taking hunting at dusk whilst their Clanmates are sharing tongues.

Gaystrip: OMG. Darkstrip looks so sexy! *Drools*

Firebum: Gaystrip, how many times do I have to tell you? *Exasperated* Darkstrip is-- *Interrupted*

Fernplop: MINE! *Pushes past and tackles Darkstrip* IWLLFORCEYOUTOMARRYME72.8TIMESAFTERYOUCOMEHUNTING WITHMEATDUSK. CHA. *Forcefully*

Firebum: o.o WELL. I'm taking Sandlolface. I wonder where she is now? *Muses*

Narrator: Meanwhile, Sandlolface is in peril at Sunning Rocks! Surrounded by hungry cannibals, she struggles to fight for survival.

Sandlolface: RAWR. Onoez, I r sroundd!

Cannibal 1: Surrounded by sexy! *Strikes a pose*

Sandlolface: *Shrugs* Stll sroundd.

Cannibal 2: *In broken words* We eat you now. *Smile*

Cannibal 1: And we eat sexily! *Strikes another pose*

Cannibal 3: *Bored* Wait. Does she know any emos I can rape hang out with? *Hopeful*

Sandlolface: Bluecarz s emo lol.

Cannibal 3: Awesome. *Walks away into forest* Bye.

Cannibal 1: No! We need you for the SEXY! *Strikes pose*

Cannibal 2: Sexy good, yes?

Narrator: Who will save Sandlolface? *Focuses on Firebum*

Firebum:...Why are you looking at me? o.o *Blank*

Narrator: Shouldn't it be Firebum who saves the day?

Firebum: o.o *Quiet* Who is this guy, anyway?

Darkstrip: He used to sell... *mysterious eyebrow wiggle* hotdogs. Bluecar hired him to... *eyebrow wiggle* narrate.

Gaystrip: o.o *Thinks* [So if this guy is hired... can I rape him? ]

Firebum: So, Mr Narrator guy? *Calling*

Narrator: Mm, Firebum?

Firebum: Do you send us... *Hallelujiah playing in background* PROPHECIES?

Narrator:...In a way, yes.

Gaystrip: OHMAI! Follow teh sexy and rapeable narrator guy! FOLLOW!!!

Narrator: o.o ...Yes. So, as I was saying, shouldn't it be Firebum to save the day?

Gaystrip: No. *Simply*

Firebum: Gayrapistsaywhut?

Gaystrip: It should be... *Pausing for suspense* Harry Potter!

Firebum: Harry... Potter... O all-knowing narrator, pray tell, who is this 'Harry Potter'?

Narrator: Umm... urr... *Stammering*

Gaystrip: I think it's time for a trip down memory lane! *Excited*

Fernpoop: OH GAWD. PLEASE, NO. *Rest of group have same response*

Gaystrip: *Ignores* Harry Potter was abused until a strange giant came and told him he was a woman wizard! He went to hell Hogwarts to learn womanly things magic! Over the course of seven years, filled with tea and buscuits spells and ballet friends, Harry defeats the evil Lord Frankenstein Doctor Who Gordon Brown Umm... *Can't remember*

Firebum: Who was the evil lord? *Eager to know*

Gaystrip: I don't know! Ask the all-knowing narrator guy. *Sulks*

Narrator: ENOUGH OF THIS! FIREBUM, JUST GET YOUR FLAMING BUTT OVER TO SUNNING ROCKS.

Firebum: Aye-aye, sir! *Salutes and runs off.*

[mysteryfaith]

Scene Two: Sunning Rocks

Narrator: And so the loyal Firebum races to save his only love, Sandlolface, followed by four of his dearest friends.

Firebum: Darkstrip hates my butt, narrator guy. *Simply*

Darkstrip: And your liver, kidneys and left eye. Don't forget the eye.

Narrator: *Cough* Three of his dearest friends.

Gaystrip: I still hate him. *Stubborn* He denies the womanly wonderful Harry Potter, and his womanly ways spells. <.<

Narrator: Two.

Fernplop:...I don't really talk to him. *Shrugs* And - hey! Why am I running? I DON'T WANT TO RUN! D8

Narrator: I am using my magical powers to make you follow Firebum. [:<

Firebum: Oh nuuh! The narrator guy is EVIL! *Cowers*

Gaystrip: Ruuuuun!

Narrator: *Smirk [:< As they approach Sunning Rocks, Firebum and his party become terrified. A cannibal is not one of their usual enemies.

Firebum: Cannibals? We deal with them. DustOMG is a cannibal, right? *Asks Gaystrip*

Gaystrip: Only on Sundays. 83

Firebum: Right. Anyway, back to the point - we're afraid of you! D8 *Hides behind Darkstrip*

Darkstrip: I've changed my mind, Firebum.

Firebum: Oh? *Surprised*

Darkstrip: *Annoyed* Now I hate the fifty-sixth hair on your tail, too.

Firebum: Oh! *Relieved* I thought you were going to say we were friends. >.< *Sighs* Thank StarClan for that.

Narrator:...Boo.

Firebum: *Screams in a high-pitched voice* Ruuuun! *Runs into Sandlolface*

Sandlolface: Oi! Wtch t - im bout 2 get eten u kno. *Annoyed*

Firebum: Oh! Sorry - I thought a mad freak wouldn't be chasing me when I found you. *Chuckles nervously* Anyway - let's get down to business! *Strikes a karate pose*

Cannibal 1: So you want to pose, eh? Two can play at that game! *Poses*

Firebum: -.- *Strikes a more extravagant pose*

Cannibal 1: *Outdoes Firebum in a more exuberant pose* D<

Narrator: Their posing battle goes on until finally Sandlolface has to interrupt.

Sandlolface:...I hate you guys. *Kicks both and leaves Sunning Rocks*

Firebum: Oh nuh! *Falls out of a ridiculous pose* D= *Glares at Cannibal 1* This isn't over! *Strikes a final pose before storming out*

Narrator: Firebum and the cannibal head back to their homes - but what has happened to Firebum's party?

Darkstrip: It's fun to stay at the--*Jumps*

Darkstrip, Fernplop and Gaystrip: Y-M-C-A! *Dance*

Fernplop: It's fun to stay at the--*Poses*

Darkstrip Fernplop Gaystrip: Y-M-C-A! *Dance*

Gaystrip: You can get some cheese, and you can kick a chicken, and you can rape all the toms you want!

Fernplop: o.o That's... super inappropriate, Gaystrip. *Awkward*

Darkstrip: Not for me! *Joins Gaystrip's newly-formed limbo line and parties out of the clearing in which they had been waiting*

Narrator: Gaystrip's voice can be heard from far away.

Gaystrip: *Delighted* ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!

[mysteryfaith]

Scene Three: ThunderClan Camp

Narrator: All is well in the forest after Sandlolface has been saved, and Whitethingwithears approaches Firebum to chat about duties.

Whitethingwithears: UGGA UGGA. SMASH FACE.

Firebum: Oh, Whitethingwithears! I didn't see you there.

Whitethingwithears: UGG UGG CLOUD UGGA WANT UGGA UGGA BUTTFACE.

Firebum: When will you learn? *Affectionately cuffs ear* I'm Firebum, not Buttface.

Whitethingwithears: *Angry* NOW! *Runs away*

Firebum: *Smiling after him* Oh, such a sweet guy. So intelligent! *Walks up to Gaystrip* Cloudprettylady wants to see me.

Gaystrip: *Thinks* [Oh... Bluecar says I can't rape him or I'll get arrested.] Let's go, then!

Narrator: The two friends padded up to Cloudprettylady.

Gaystrip: Firebum! *Loud whisper*

Firebum: What? *Turns around*

Gaystrip: DON'T LOOK! *Shoves Firebum back around* *Scared* He's... following us...

Firebum: Who? *Looks around again*

Gaystrip: I SAID, DON'T LOOK! *Pushes him back around again* The... narrator guy! *Sounds terrified*

Firebum: *Gasps* Stay low! I'll go get Cloudprettylady, and we'll leave the forest. He can't follow us away from ThunderClan!

Narrator: As Cloudprettylady approaches Firebum, carrying a small needle and thread, Firebum seems to be plotting something with Gaystrip. The rest of ThunderClan doesn't know that they're planning to leave the forest.

Sandlolface, Fernplop, Brightnoob, Bluecar and DustOMG: What? *Shocked* *Stare at Firebum and Gaystrip*

Firebum: Well they do now, you filthy peice of fox-dung! *Spits at Narrator* Stop following us everywhere! Why can't you follow Longlisp instead?

Longlisp: No way! I dun want thothe creepy weirdoth thtaring into my private buthineth!

Gaystrip: *Stares menacingly at Longlisp* Do it, or I'll rape attack you!

Longlisp: Crathyrapithtthaywhut?

Firebum: *Mutters* Never mind. *Raises voice* Bluecar, I wasn't going to leave, I promise! But could you fire this narrator guy?

Bluecar: I would, but... he scares the hell out of me. *Cowers*

Narrator: *Thinks*

Firebum: HEY! D< We can hear your thoughts, you know. *Turning on narrator*

Narrator: Umm... wait... no you can't! *Defiant* <.< I am invisible. You can't see me.

Firebum, Gaystrip and Sandlolface:...o.o WTF?

DustOMG: OMG, seriously? OMG, that's so cool! OMG, you have to teach me that! OMG, we can't see him! OMG OMG OMG!

Cloudprettylady:...Urm, can we get on with this please? *High-pitched voice* I have young men to deal with, and you know there's only one thing on their mind!

Firebum: Really? *Challenging* What's that then?

Cloudprettylady: Musical trees. <.<

Firebum: *Tears spring to eyes* You know us so well! *Smiles* =')

Cloudprettylady: Well, you two charming lads had better listen closely to this: I need some new material for my new dress. *Swings hips seductively* And you know how good a job you did last time.

Gaystrip: *Blank* But... cats don't wear clothes. Cats can't even make them.

Cloudprettylady: *Emotional* Go ahead, ruin all my dreams, why don't you! *Turns back on them*

Firebum: Okay, okay! -.- We'll get your material. Where can we get it from?

Cloudprettylady: The magical land of... *Pauses for suspense* the material forest!

Gaystrip: I've only dreamed of heard about that in queens' tales!

Cloudprettylady: It's true! *Grinning* You leave this forest, head North, go past the two-leg city, cross the ocean and land on a magical island only us felines can see!

Firebum: No way! *Amazed* We shall set off at once! Now, who shall go with us-- *Interrupted*

Cloudprettylady: No, wait! *Voice darkens* That's not all. If you aren't back within a moon of leaving, you'll be trapped on the island forever! It's the famous curse!

Gaystrip: Why can't we stay longer than a moon? There could be rapeable toms there! *Curious*

Cloudprettylady: *Shrugs* It was going to be, 'leave before midnight', but that was copyrighted by some stupid two-leg. Trust them to ruin our fun.

Firebum: *Sympathetic* They always do. Now! Who shall join us on our quest? Hmm...

Darkstrip: *Dances up to Gaystrip* Hey, Gay-poo! Ready for a night like yesterday? *Giggle*

Gaystrip: Of course, honey! *Looks like he's in a trance*

Firebum: o.o Urr, Gaystrip? Do I want to know what this 'night' was?

Gaystrip: Yes. It was Poker Night at RiverClan! Gawd, it was fun - this tomcat was dancing on the tables... *Wolfwhistles* Boy, that guy could dance!

Firebum:...You raped him, didn't you.

Gaystrip: Of course. :B It's custom manners for toms like me.

Firebum: Did he remember it?

Darkstrip: Hell no!

Firebum: Then it's fine by me! *Relieved* Now... for this quest, I think Gaystrip, Sandlolface, Cinderglomp, Darkstrip, Longlisp and Brackenwhiff should come with us. That would make seven - a perfect group.

Brackenwhiff: Okay Firebum, if you're sure you can *farts* handle the *farts* stench of *farts* the magnificent *farts* Brackenwhiff!

Firebum: o.o You know what, Brackenwhiff? I think Whitethingwithears needs a scent test. Would you mind...?

Brackenwhiff: YES! *Bounds off, farting as he goes*

Narrator: I'll be coming in his empty spot, then.

Bluecar: Yes. The narrator guy shall accompany you to the island! We'll be fine without him here.

Firebum: Dx NUUH! I won't allow him to come. <.< *Sulky*

Bluecar: Firebum, if you don't let him come, I'll run you over. Cha.

Firebum: -.- Fine. But he HAS to stay quiet, okay? *Looks at narrator resentfully*

Narrator: I promise. *Pulls a face behind Bluecar's back*

Firebum: RRUUNN! *Pelts out of forest*

Narrator: And so, eager to start, Firebum is followed by his party to find the island of materials for his friend Cloudprettylady. They know little about the dangers ahead, and continue blissfully happy towards RiverClan territory - their first hurdle.

Firebum: *Annoyed* I told you not to speak. And, we're not 'blissfully happy'.

Narrator: Oh yes, you are. What I say is law. <.<

Gaystrip:...Fine. But be warned! By doing this, you are subject to rape.

Narrator: That's fine by me. *Walks*

[mysteryfaith]

Scene Four: Towards the City

Narrator: Everything is jolly and well as the party of cats sets off for the two-leg city.

Gaystrip and Darkstrip: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz! *Skip*

Firebum: Gaystrip, for the last time! Harry Potter does not live in the city!

Gaystrip: D= *Eyes tear up* You continue to doubt my beliefs, Firebum, do you really love me at all? T-T

Darkstrip: I love you, honey :3

Gaystrip: And that's all that really matters to me :']. Anyway, where were we? *Thinks* Ah yes. We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wiz--*Interrupted*

Firebum: We aren't off to see the wizard. That's the wrong breach of copyright.

Gaystrip: Hmm... *Thinks* How about... the sun'll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...

Firebum: Wrong again. And, what's a 'bottom dollar'?

Narrator: A dollar that's stuck to your butt, I think. I'm British so I wouldn't know.

Gaystrip: BUTTS! ALRIGHT! *Dances with Darkstrip* Butts, butts, wonderful butts, nothing quite like butts to rape all the toms!

Firebum: *Exasperated* Wrong.

Gaystrip: Hmm... then forget about songs. How about we go on a journey that will take us about four books to complete, fall in love with each other, kill mountain lions and meet talking badgers?

Firebum:...That's crazy, Gaystrip. *Disappointed* I was hoping you would breach copyright again, instead of making up your own story. *Pads off sadly*

Darkstrip: Yeah, Gaystrip. That's crazy. *Runs away*

Narrator: Because of Gaystrip's story, now he is shunned by the rest of the party. He pads alone in the world now.

Firebum: *Shuns Gaystrip* Shunnnn.

Gaystrip: D= I know. I'm sorry. I was hoping that it would come true someday...

Narrator: Suddenly, a brilliant white two-leg floats down from the sky - it's the legendary Erin Angel!

Erin Angel: *Slaps Gaystrip* D<

Gaystrip: *Bewildered* What was THAT for? D=

Erin Angel: For spilling a spoiler for the next series! D< *Disappears into sky*

Gaystrip:...o.o

Fernplop: OMG! *Gasps* Gaystrip can tell the FUTURE!

Gaystrip: *Thinks* [What an oppurtunity! [<] Yes, I can! Come closer to find out your destiny...

Narrator: Everyone storms forwards to hear what Gaystrip has to say.

Darkstrip: Pray tell, Gaystrip, what will happen to me?

Gaystrip: *Closes eyes* I predict... that you will be raped tonight!

Firebum: *Sighs* Let me guess. I will too?

Gaystrip: No. <.< *Simple* You'll be maulled by a hostile fox.

Firebum: Oh. o.o

Fernplop:...Oh my gawd! *Gasps*

Gaystrip: What? *Disappointed now everyone is distracted from him*

Fernplop: Cinderglomp is huggling that hedgehog! Someone go save her! D=

Narrator: Woe and behold, Fernplop is right! A little way away, Cinderglomp has wrapped herself around a hedgehog who is about to release its prickles.

Firebum: *Heroic* I'll save her! [:< *Runs towards Cinderglomp*

Narrator: Suddenly, the Erin Angel appears once more!

Erin Angel: Wait, Firebum! D< *Commands*

Firebum: Hey - what the - *Legs are moving, but is frozen in the air* Let me go! D<

Erin Angel: If you save Cinderglomp, it will ruin the whole of the next two series!

Firebum: Why do you keep talking about 'series'? o.o [Crazy two-legs. Very dangerous.]

Erin Angel: Because, I write about you! Your whole world is MINE! *Evil cackle* And there's something even worse, Firebum...

Gaystrip and Firebum: What is it? D=

Erin Angel: THERE IS A GROUP OF TWELVE-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRLS WHO FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING CATS AND BEING YOUR MATE. [:<

Firebum: Nooooooooo! *Drops to the floor* It can't be! *Curls up*

Gaystrip: Firebum! *Runs over* D= Firebum, speak to me!

Firebum: *Shaking* I know what's going to happen! It's so TERRIBLE! T-T

Gaystrip: D: Tell me, Firebum. Tell me now!

Firebum: When that hedgehog lets out its spine, it will--*Interrupted*

Cinderglomp: OUCH! D=

Firebum: *Gasps* *Hides head beneath paws*

Gaystrip: WHAT IS IT?! *Stares wildly around*

Firebum: *Peers out of ball* *Looks around* *Straightens up and sighs* Oh! I thought a giant ball of rampaging hares would come through a parralel vortex to this world. Lucky mistake, eh? ^^

Darkstrip: Um... yes o.o Anyway, Gaystrip, we need to get to Poker Night! D= *Worried*

Gaystrip: Sorry, honey-bunch. *Runs off with Darkstrip*

Firebum: *Annoyed* Guys! D<

Erin Angel: And so you don't ruin any more plots... *Points at Firebum* I shall trap you! MWUHAHAHA! *Puts a leash of gold around Firebum*

Firebum: Huh - what the - OH NOEZ!

Sandlolface: OHNUH, Frebum s trppd! i mst go 2 tll da uffrs! *Runs away*

Narrator: Their journey has started in a wrath of fear and terror. Will Firebum break free? Will Gaystrip and Darkstrip catch up in time to rape all the toms? And will Bluecar finally pass her test?

Firebum:...o.o The last line was a little irrelevant. She did that twelve moons ago.

Narrator: Shaddapayourface.

Firebum: You! D<

Cinderglomp: Uhmm, guys? My leg's broken...

Narrator: o.o Did you HAVE to interrupt us? That's barely important enough to be said, you know. <.< *Offended*

Cinderglomp: -.- Never mind.

[Small note: Not as funny as I would have liked for this scene. :/ Sorry.]